Self-sufficiency. Merriam-Webster’s defines it as being able to maintain oneself or itself without outside aid; capable of providing for one's own needs. I’ve spent my life in self-sufficiency and robbed myself of God’s sustaining grace, the kind of grace that God metes out for dealing with the trials and tribulations of life.
Most huge things in life are not meant to be dealt with on one’s own. Instead I am supposed to approach God’s throne with confidence, trust Him during the trial, that the trial has purpose and meaning and that it will bring maturity as He says it will instead of shutting down and not allowing the pain to enter.
Shutting down makes one numb. I woke up this morning, and my one thought was that I was numb. I’m not feeling the pain of my marriage to a wonderful, supportive husband who I will never give up but who doesn’t understand me like I really want to be understood (which hurts although I believe it to be typical), the pain of dealing with two physically needy parents, the pain of not having and, more and more, never having children of my own, even the old pains of having to leave all my friends after 6th grade or further back of my Dad leaving me and my Mom.
I’m tired of my self-sufficiency. Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” James 1:2 -4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
So come, pain, wrack my heart with your sharpness during these my trials, but also come, Lord Jesus, send your grace to support me in my trials and bring the perseverance and maturity that You long for me to develop. And thank you for the timely sermon from McLean Bible Church’s online church this morning along with the music that softened my heart to listen.